When life gives me lemons, I tend to glare at both the giver and the lemon, say gee fucking thanks, and throw the lemon as hard as I can against the nearest wall. Stew in my petulant rage for a bit. Slip into pity. Sleep. Cry.

Eventually I’ll get restless. I’ll walk and think, listening to sad songs on repeat, and imagine if life had only given me strawberries.

Then, when I’m tired of drowning in self pity, I will switch to warrior songs. Walk a bit further and a bit quicker, read inspiring memes and posts.

Eventually my brain will start picturing lemon recipes. It will come alive and embrace all things lemony. I will see the impulsive idiot I was, chucking away the lemon, and go buy ALL the lemons (way too many, because ADHD after all) and vow to become the best lemon chef ever.

Then I’ll get bored and wonder what you can do with oranges, but at least I’m not sulking any more.

Well, I’m not entirely convinced that works as an extended metaphor but hopefully you get the idea!

I’m currently at the ‘new recipe and regret’ stage. I regret leaving all my work WhatsApp groups just because my husband said work colleagues didn’t become friends. (I usually turn to him to interpret life, because my RSD makes me read people all wrong and I didn’t want to appear needy or a naïve idiot). With a clearer mind I would have remembered that ALL my friends were once colleagues. Even at school. How else do you meet people? But it takes time. Hopefully any that want to remain friends will look me up.

And my brain is coming up with all the things that I can do and sell to make myself feel worthwhile again, because sadly my self-worth is linked to productivity, payment and praise, and homeschooling aint gonna give any of those.

This is the time where I usually focus on all the wrong things. Set up a complete company persona, with business cards and webpage and flyers, spending more money than I’ll ever make back. Thankfully I’ve realised that’s because those things should have always been the point. I’m a creator at heart. And two years of being given the space to strengthen both my skills and confidence as a creator, rather than shoehorned into jobs I don’t enjoy (project management and data analysis) means I can get straight on with the work bit.

I still have confidence issues. I still don’t know how to sell myself. I still see my skills as dime-a-dozen. But that’s the imposter syndrome. And thankfully I’ve had a good coach who has taught me to believe in myself a little bit.

I’m still reining in the impulsivity and RSD. Still oscillating between wanting to take up permanent residence in the work coffee shop to see friendly faces and so scared of rejection I couldn’t even drive past yesterday. But it’s been less than a month. Patience.

Because I’m so good at that 😂